Getting Old(er)

Before I signed with my agent, I used to be a humor writer for print and online magazines. It's been fun reading some of my old articles, such as things to do at Walmart if you're bored (a must try list!) and what happened when the Hamburglar was replaced by an actual fry thief (true story!).  So, I thought I could eventually share these on the blog. But for today, I decided to post about age. And although I'm not WAY old and I don't feel old at all (my mind is in age denial), I sometimes do or say things that make me think, "Omigosh, I'm totally old for just doing/saying/thinking that!" or "I sound just like my mother!" 

So I kind of joke about the whole age thing. Like my mom, she's been 28 for as long as I can remember. Some of you probably haven't even reached your 24th birthday yet, but how many of you have celebrated your 25th birthday for the last ten years? Twenty? Even though we're in age denial, there are are some signs we can't deny that  prove we might be getting a teeny tiny bit older. Such as:

1. You walk into a room and forget why you’re there. Repeat four times before realizing you just wanted a drink of water.

2. You’re asleep, but other’s worry you’re dead.

3. Your friend is dating someone more than half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.

4. People call you at 8pm and ask, “Did I wake you?” They did.

5. Happy hour is a nap.

6. You have a party and your neighbors don’t even realize it.

7. You have more hair in your ears than on your head. And you don’t care.

8. It takes three tries to get up from the couch.

9. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

10. You sink your teeth into a grilled cheese. They stay there.

11. The twinkle in your eye is just the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

12. You can’t remember where you put you’re glasses.

13. An hour later you remember you’re wearing your glasses.

14. You sit in a rocking chair, but you can’t get it going.

15. You’re secrets are always safe with your friends because they can’t remember them.

16. You don’t worry about tying shoelaces. All your shoes are slip-ons.

17. Adult diapers? Actually, they’re kind of convenient.

18. You look both ways before crossing a room.

19. Your worst enemy? Gravity.

20. You see toys from your childhood. In a museum.

21. Your knees buckle. Your belt won’t.

22. You start every sentence with “Nowadays…” or “When I was your age…”

23. Someone says it’s windy today, and you reply, “No, it’s Thursday.”

24. You pet your cat on the bathroom counter. It’s really your toupee.

25. You get winded on the stairs. Going down.

BUT, look on the brightside. There are many perks to getting older, right?  Such as closer parking, discounts, and the fact that you're least likely to get kidnapped.

In fact, you can still play your favorite games. Just… mildly altered.

1. Sag, You're It!
2. Spin the Bottle. Of Mylanta.
3. 20 questions. SHOUTED INTO YOUR GOOD EAR.
4. Doc Doc Goose.
5. Simon Says (something incoherent).

And just remember: The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs!