Wednesday, November 15, 2017

COPS and CATS: A non-exaggerated retelling of a mostly dramatic situation

I'm constantly learning new things about myself.  And this week has been no exception. This week I've learned:

1. I can't tell a short version of anything. When I say, this is the short version of what  happened, it turns out to be maybe only one or two words less than the "long version." Sigh. 

2. I'm a drama magnet. Okay, so this I've already known for quite sometime. But this week just further reminds me of this, you know, in case I forgot while in my quiet little bubble of happiness. 

3. A writer (namely me) should never fill out a police (incident) report. Why? Because there are only so many characters you can use to tell your story (incident). Also, excessive usage of verbs and adjectives are to be avoided (who knew?) Also, see #1. 

So these three very important and invaluable life lessons all came into play just the other day. All within hours. I would now like to say I'm going to give you the short version of what happened, but we'd all know I'd be lying. 

But don't worry, I'm not going to force anyone to read *millions of words in a single blog post. If it gets too long (and let's face it, you know it will) I'll break this up into a few blog posts. A continuous, suspenseful retelling, complete with direct quotes from witnesses. And those who weren't there but have heard this story already. 

*I also tend to over exaggerate. But hardly ever. 

This particular story aka incident aka dramatic overdose begins early in the morning. Noting the time of day IS important because it explains the rats nest on top of head (even though you can't see it, I still feel the need to explain) . But more importantly, because my youngest son was still asleep and we all know how important it is for kids to have their full 15+ hours of sleep, right?

So, you can imagine why I might be concerned when there is pounding on my front door. And when I say pounding, I am NOT exaggerating this time. No. It was a continuous and constant pounding of fists on my door. A pounding like, this-is-a-life-and-death-situation-and-there's-a-fire-and-the-world-is-ending-I'm-knocking-your-door-down type pounding.

A pounding probably similar to the headache you're experiencing at this very moment. Sorry, btw.

My concern turned to annoyance turned to anger before I could even reach the door. Now, it's probably also important to explain my thought process here. Because I'm sure you're wondering, why would you be upset if there's a possible emergency? It's because my thought process kicked into super high gear (which amazed even myself) and I reached the following conclusion within about 3.5 seconds of walking to the door. Okay, that's a lie. It was probably closer to a minute. I was walking tired-slow and had to scoop up my barking dog first.

Thought process: Who's beating down my door? It's too early for mail, and a package delivery is so not that urgent (although some of you might disagree) and it's definitely too early for solicitors. My other son is at work. My other other son was already at school. Husband is at work. So yeah, my family is safe. And I don't smell smoke. So basically anything that mattered to me wasn't in jeopardy and therefore, not an emergency, therefore, not requiring the level of pounding down my door that was currently being asserted. Also, this would totally wake up my son.

When I open my front door, I don't just "open" it. I actually throw it open with the same level of aggressiveness that's being used on the other side of the door. And I really don't recommend this because I almost knocked myself out by not giving myself enough space to perform this aggressive door-opening task. And if you think I'm exaggerating, that this kind of thing doesn't actually happen, then I encourage to read one of my other posts, How To Give Yourself An Eyeball Papercut.

On the other side of the door, I come face to face with....

To be continued...

Sorry, guys. I know you're in total suspense and you're waving your fist and cursing at the cliffhanger, but I warned you. I did say it would probably be a bit long so I figured this was the best and only way to end Part 1.

Leave a comment on what you think I saw once I opened the door, but ONLY if you haven't heard this story from me already.

Friday, November 3, 2017

A big congrats to Amie and Bethanie Borst, on the cover reveal for the humorous and magical tale of Cinderskella. But first, a little bit about this middle grade novel...


It’s not just monsters that go bump in the night. Sometimes it’s skeleton-girls, too.

Cindy might appear to be your average twelve year old, but since her mother’s death she has a secret. Every night she faces a horrible, terrible curse; one that turns her into a skeleton. Yup, a boney, white skeleton.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Cindy’s own father is scared of her. Plus she has an evil stepmother who makes her do crazy chores, some of them with a toothbrush. And then there’s the wild dog with intentions of making Cindy into his midnight snack. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, the Spring Fling dance is fast approaching and Ethan, the cutest boy in sixth grade, doesn’t seem to know she exists. Cindy doesn’t think letting Ethan know she’s a cursed skeleton-girl is the best way to introduce herself. Determined to break the curse, Cindy travels to the Underworld where things aren’t quite what they seem, including Mr. Death, the strange and creepy Undertaker.  

With a jar of pickled pig’s feet, a wacky fortuneteller, and an cranky skeleton mouse, Cindy is afraid this curse has really gotten under her skin. 


And now, for the stunning cover...

Coming February 2018! I'm sure this book will be a huge hit! Good luck and congratulations, Amie, Bethanie, and Roch! 

About Amie...
Amie Borst loves glitter, unicorns, and chocolate. But not at the same time. That would be weird. She’s a PAL member of the SCBWI as well as a founding and contributing member of The Mixed-Up Files…of Middle-Grade Authors, a group blog dedicated to middle-grade books. Amie lives in Virginia with her three beautiful daughters, her handsome husband, and two cute dogs named Lily and Maggie. She wishes she could travel the world in a hot pink elevator but for now, her minivan will have to do.
 About Bethanie...
Bethanie Borst is 17 and the author of three books. When she was only 10 years old, she wrote her first book, Cinderskella. She enjoys reading, writing, and STEM. Bethanie is fluent in both sarcasm and humor and is prepared for the zombie apocalypse and/or spontaneous combustion of the world. Because, let’s face it, both of those things are totally realistic.

You can find Amie on her website, her blog and Facebook

You can find Bethanie on her joint pages: Facebook and her website

You can visit Roch's Facebook PagePortraits, and Portfolio 


Saturday, October 1, 2016

How To Give Yourself An Eyeball Papercut

*Note: Do this while at work for maximum effect.

First, hold the piece of paper at just the correct angle so the corner of the paper is aimed directly at your face.

Next, swing it between two fingers with exact precision.

Third….Fling! right towards your eyeball at a speed so quickly you don't have time to react.  Or blink.

Lastly, drop the paper, clasp both hands over one eye and smear all your eye makeup into one huge exaggerated mess. Now, when someone comes by to see what the commotion is about, drop your hands away from your face and let the mess do the talking.

The watering from your eye mixed with the mascara, eyeliner, and possibly eyeshadow will have meshed together very nicely at this point. It will most likely look as if you were given a black eye. You may be given extra sympathy at this point. Take what you can get. You want to delay the actual "what happened," questions from your co-workers (or witnesses) as long as possible. 

Try to make a mad dash to the bathroom, when possible, and scour away all the remains of your makeup. Wash out your eye. Repeat to yourself, "I am tougher than the paper." Get a wet paper towel and hold it against your eye. Even better, get an ice pack. This will rack up more sympathy points when you explain that you were actually tackled by paper. 

And that's how a pro does it. And by pro, I mean me. It was such a random moment. People hesitated to ask, “How does THAT happen?” and I could only respond with a shrug and mumble of “I don’t know”.

I came out of that situation a bit squinty but luckily without an eye patch (Aarrgh!). My supervisor banned me from handling paper products at or above eye level. True story!

I can fortunately say that I haven’t experienced any other papercuts anywhere in the facial region. Although I do have a lot more random and unexpected moments of “how does THAT happen?” which may or may not include face plants, almost accidental theft, and clothing disasters in public.

What is your most random or awkward moment? 


Thursday, September 15, 2016

I TEXT DEAD PEOPLE Amazon Giveaway!

To celebrate the release of my next book, THE UNGRATEFUL DEAD, I'm doing an Amazon Giveaway for the first book in the Dead Serious series...I TEXT DEAD PEOPLE! You'll find out immediately if you're a winner...and so far no one has won yet, so maybe it will be you!

I will do another Amazon Giveaway for the 2nd book in the series on Monday, September 19th. Good luck!

Did you win the giveaway? Comment and let me know


Wednesday, June 15, 2016

SNOW FRIGHT Cover Reveal

The final installment of the Scarily Ever Laughter Series is here! Or, well it's on its way. October 4th is its big debut.  But no need to wait until October for all the excitement! You can see the cover now! (And be sure to check out the first two books in the series, Cinderskella and Little Dead Riding Hood!) And be sure to enter the giveaway at the end of this post!

Sarah White is gorgeous even if she is a little bit rotten. A mirror arrives on her twelfth birthday and she thinks it’s the perfect gift. But when an innocent game of laser tag gets out of hand, the mirror swallows her whole!

Sarah finds herself dead center of the Underworld. As if repeated run-ins with Mr. Death weren’t bad enough, Sarah now has to deal with her decaying flesh and sudden craving for brains. Not to mention she keeps having brain freezes, all due to the seven worms living in her head.

Of corpse, by the time Sarah escapes the Underworld, she finds her new zombie life less than appetizing. Even worse, she needs to return to the Underworld to save her friends, Cindy and Scarlet.  With a poisoned apple, a crow named Raven, and a glowing necklace, Sarah’s pretty sure that if she doesn’t rescue her friends, she’ll be a brain craving zombie forever. And that’s more dead-ication than she’s willing to accept.

Add Snow Fright to your Goodreads  or pre-order your copy at Amazon , Barnes & Noble, or Indiebound!

Amie Borst loves glitter, unicorns, and chocolate. But not at the same time. That would be weird. She’s a PAL member of the SCBWI as well as a founding and contributing member of The Mixed-Up Files…of Middle-Grade Authors, a group blog dedicated to middle-grade books. Amie lives in Virginia with her three beautiful daughters, her handsome husband, and two cute dogs named Lily and Maggie. She wishes she could travel the country in a hot pink elevator but for now, her minivan will have to do.

Bethanie Borst is 16 and the author of three books but she was only 10 years old when she wrote her first one. She enjoys reading, writing, and archery. She’s also interested in paleontology and astronomy. Bethanie is fluent in both sarcasm and humor and is prepared for the zombie apocalypse and/or spontaneous combustion of the world. Because, let’s face it, both of those things are totally realistic.

You can find the authors on Facebook, as well as their website

Rachael Caringella is an artist, illustrator, intuitive reader, and healer. And deep down, she is just like you; a rebel and truth seeker. Her days are spent in a little cabin as she paints, dances, sips delicious coffee, reads tarot cards, and, of course, illustrates! When she’s not in her studio, she can often be found wandering the woods, honoring her wild nature in the great outdoors searching for beauty adventure and inspiration.

You can find the illustrator on Facebook and her website (

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

How My Indecisiveness Landed Me in a Ditch

Who here is  indecisive? If you're unsure, raise your hand. I can't make a decision to save my life. Well, sometimes. Or sometimes not.

It was a summer day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. I was bike riding, the wind blowing in my hair. It was a perfect day.

I rode over the bridge and continued onto the bike trail. I started to feel a little courageous.

Then REALLY courageous.
And because my fun wasn't meant to last, up ahead the bike trail split off into two different directions.

Which meant I had two choices. 

But decisions never come easy for me. And I tend to overthink.
Such as, if I go one way.... maybe it will take me in a different direction. And what if its the long way and then I'm too tired to ride back and then it gets dark and I'm stuck out here?

 But if I choose the other way, maybe I'll come across a snake. Because there are snakes out here. And what if it's a rattlesnake and I don't realize until I'm practically running over it and it strikes...
But there could be rattlesnakes going the other way too.

But maybe the trail gets really narrow the other way and someone is riding from the opposite direction and neither of us can decide who should stop and who should go so we collide and fall off the cliff.

But the other way might have a narrow trail too. Who decided to split this trail. And WHY??
So which way is the right way to go?

Which way is the better way?

Eeny Meeny Miny Mo....

No! I can't decide like that! I must make an informed decision. I must...

As my brain is arguing over how to make this difficult yet important decision, I began swerving all over the bike trail as I keep changing my mind.

And that's when I ran into those two wooden posts next to the CLIFF sign, which was smack dab in the middle of those choices.

My bike spun circles. It skidded across the trail (while I was still attached to my bike), and came to a stop in the opposite direction of the cliff, which landed me in a ditch.

My clothes were torn. My legs and arms were bruised and scratched. And behind me I hear laughter. The laughter of my dear husband who comes to a halt beside me and says, "Did you mean to do that?"

Why yes, I did.  And tomorrow I'll be performing same time, same place.

Did I learn to become more decisive from this incident? Nope. The fact that I had to make a decision for not just me, but another person, only added too much stress.

So what did I learn? That I shouldn't ride a bike again. Ever.

What kind of situation has your Indecisiveness landed you in?

Friday, June 19, 2015

I Text Dead People Winner!

Thank you to everyone who made the launch of I TEXT DEAD PEOPLE a success! The winner of the online giveaway for a signed copy of I Text Dead People & swag is..... BROOKS BENJAMIN! Congrats, Brooks! 

And to anyone who's read I Text Dead People already....what do you think will happen in book #2: The Ungrateful Dead? 

Just a review of any book you read is always appreciated by the authors 😊


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

How I Almost Accidentally Stole a Car

I love looking back on old posts and tweets. Since I can barely remember yesterday, it's like getting a whole box full of new memories. I found an old tweet that reminded me of a real life "duh" moment.

I've actually had a ton of these embarrassing moments in my life and I've learned it's easier to accept this than fight it.

It's just who I am.

So in celebration of my self-acceptance, I share this moment of embarrassment with you. With drawings. Since visuals help to paint the picture. Plus, I can make myself look thinner. Score!

FYI...this is just a reenactment of an actual, totally true incident that was experienced.

It's nighttime. It's dark out.. The sun is gone. There is one moon and approximately two stars in the sky. Which is black, btw. Because it's night.

I leave a store (insert name of store here because I don't remember), and I'm guessing I probably had a lot off serious thoughts running through my mind. Kind of like when you're on auto-pilot while driving and you suddenly wonder how you ended up at home. I was parked in the very front, facing the store windows. So with my serious mind, I casually yet elegantly walk the few feet to my car, a black Prius.

Then I go through these actions while thinking these thoughts:

Open driver side door. Can't believe I left the door unlocked.

Proceed to climb into the drivers seat. Wonder why I suddenly shrunk.

Push the start button and my finger hits the dashboard. Thinking how strange it is that the start button is missing.

That was about the point where the little light bulb went off for me  When I looked around and actually paid attention to where I was and what I was doing.

Where: In someone else's car.
What: attempting to steal someone else's car...?

And not just someone else's car, but a black 4-runner. So yeah, you can see the resemblance here and how this mix-up could've easily happened to anyone.

Of course the moment this realization hit, I did what I always do under pressure---I panicked! I didn't jump out, but instead threw myself out of the vehicle while maintaining my gracefulness.

I then proceed to cautiously and non- guiltily view my surroundings to make sure  nobody was calling the cops for breaking into their car. Or worse... taking proof of this incident on their phone.

Nope. I was in the clear. So I literally ran one parking spot over to my actual, real car, and fumbled with the locked door. 
After I get into the safety of MY vehicle, I make sure no one is watching me from the store windows.

Nope. Still good.

I then drove off and learned my lesson to pay better attention and never tried to drive away in someone else's car ever again.

Just kidding!

Although I can say I usually only go so far as trying to pick the lock on cars that look exactly like mine now, before I realize what I'm doing. See, it's an improvement!

There was one other factor to this story that I didn't mention--I wasn't alone. My brother was with me. And he actually got into the passenger seat before we both looked at each other and had that "ah-ha!" moment (after the start button disappeared). So, does that take the embarrassment level down a notch?

And I can prove to you that it really did happen. Because I tweeted about it. And I wouldn't post something untrue, right?

Have you ever tried to almost accidentally steal a car similar to yours?