Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Getting Old(er)

Before I signed with my agent, I used to be a humor writer for print and online magazines. It's been fun reading some of my old articles, such as things to do at Walmart if you're bored (a must try list!) and what happened when the Hamburglar was replaced by an actual fry thief (true story!).  So, I thought I could eventually share these on the blog. But for today, I decided to post about age. And although I'm not WAY old and I don't feel old at all (my mind is in age denial), I sometimes do or say things that make me think, "Omigosh, I'm totally old for just doing/saying/thinking that!" or "I sound just like my mother!" 

So I kind of joke about the whole age thing. Like my mom, she's been 28 for as long as I can remember. Some of you probably haven't even reached your 24th birthday yet, but how many of you have celebrated your 25th birthday for the last ten years? Twenty? Even though we're in age denial, there are are some signs we can't deny that  prove we might be getting a teeny tiny bit older. Such as:

1. You walk into a room and forget why you’re there. Repeat four times before realizing you just wanted a drink of water.

2. You’re asleep, but other’s worry you’re dead.

3. Your friend is dating someone more than half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.

4. People call you at 8pm and ask, “Did I wake you?” They did.

5. Happy hour is a nap.

6. You have a party and your neighbors don’t even realize it.

7. You have more hair in your ears than on your head. And you don’t care.

8. It takes three tries to get up from the couch.

9. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

10. You sink your teeth into a grilled cheese. They stay there.

11. The twinkle in your eye is just the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

12. You can’t remember where you put you’re glasses.

13. An hour later you remember you’re wearing your glasses.

14. You sit in a rocking chair, but you can’t get it going.

15. You’re secrets are always safe with your friends because they can’t remember them.

16. You don’t worry about tying shoelaces. All your shoes are slip-ons.

17. Adult diapers? Actually, they’re kind of convenient.

18. You look both ways before crossing a room.

19. Your worst enemy? Gravity.

20. You see toys from your childhood. In a museum.

21. Your knees buckle. Your belt won’t.

22. You start every sentence with “Nowadays…” or “When I was your age…”

23. Someone says it’s windy today, and you reply, “No, it’s Thursday.”

24. You pet your cat on the bathroom counter. It’s really your toupee.

25. You get winded on the stairs. Going down.

BUT, look on the brightside. There are many perks to getting older, right?  Such as closer parking, discounts, and the fact that you're least likely to get kidnapped.

In fact, you can still play your favorite games. Just… mildly altered.

1. Sag, You're It!
2. Spin the Bottle. Of Mylanta.
3. 20 questions. SHOUTED INTO YOUR GOOD EAR.
4. Doc Doc Goose.
5. Simon Says (something incoherent).

And just remember: The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs!


Jen said...

LOLOL... I think a lot of these were meant for me on blond moments rather than for age. Just sayin' I have a lot of these moments!

Funny as always Rose, I can see why you used to do what you did :)

Emily White said...

AHAHAHAHA! I love #4!

Rose Cooper said...

Thanks, Jen! Yeah, I tend to have blonde moments too, even though i'm not blonde. My co-workers are convinced it's the brain of a writer (we're scatterbraied at times, haha). Much better than being old, eh?

Glad you like, Emily!!

Erinn said...

4, 5, 12, 13 is SO My life.

Amie B said...

it's nice to have a friend to grow old with... YOU GO FIRST! :P

Lenny said...

hi miss rose! that one about the teeth staying in the sandwich was sooooo funny and got me laughing so hard. that cartoon at the doctor is real funny to. i love stuff that make me laugh.
...lots of laughs and hugs from lenny

Vicki Rocho said...

These are hysterical. You definitely need to post the WalMart list, too!

Mary said...

I so needed a laugh and you came through. Thanks

Renae said...

This was too funny! I needed a good laugh today!

Jaydee Morgan said...

Very funny - and unfortunately, very true!

I like to say I'm thirty with thirteen years experience ;)

J.L. Stratton said...

Thank you for joining my blog and a big thank you for allowing me to discover your wonderful sight.

Ok, this is it. I'm staying. Your stuff is just too funny.

I'm celebrating the seventeenth anniversary of my thirtieth birthday this year!

Messy mommy said...

I'm 34, proud of it and have never held onto any year but have embraced each new one. Though, now I am glad I can claim writer's brain for all the times I walk into a room and forget why I went in there and instead start writing a story idea only to ask myself later why I didn't eat lunch :)

Jenny Rose Creatively Loving Kids

Medeia Sharif said...

Hee hee. Thanks for the laugh.

aspiring_x said...

oh wow! that list was HILARIOUS! tear-producing hilarious!!!

if age is a state of mind- then i'm ancient... my mom always said i was just an old lady waiting to happen...

so, another year older is another year closer to self-actualization for me! :)
still- not looking forward to the three tries to get out of a couch... or the adult diapers!