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Saturday, October 1, 2016

How To Give Yourself An Eyeball Papercut

*Note: Do this while at work for maximum effect.

First, hold the piece of paper at just the correct angle so the corner of the paper is aimed directly at your face.

Next, swing it between two fingers with exact precision.

Third….Fling! right towards your eyeball at a speed so quickly you don't have time to react.  Or blink.

Lastly, drop the paper, clasp both hands over one eye and smear all your eye makeup into one huge exaggerated mess. Now, when someone comes by to see what the commotion is about, drop your hands away from your face and let the mess do the talking.

The watering from your eye mixed with the mascara, eyeliner, and possibly eyeshadow will have meshed together very nicely at this point. It will most likely look as if you were given a black eye. You may be given extra sympathy at this point. Take what you can get. You want to delay the actual "what happened," questions from your co-workers (or witnesses) as long as possible. 

Try to make a mad dash to the bathroom, when possible, and scour away all the remains of your makeup. Wash out your eye. Repeat to yourself, "I am tougher than the paper." Get a wet paper towel and hold it against your eye. Even better, get an ice pack. This will rack up more sympathy points when you explain that you were actually tackled by paper. 

And that's how a pro does it. And by pro, I mean me. It was such a random moment. People hesitated to ask, “How does THAT happen?” and I could only respond with a shrug and mumble of “I don’t know”.

I came out of that situation a bit squinty but luckily without an eye patch (Aarrgh!). My supervisor banned me from handling paper products at or above eye level. True story!

I can fortunately say that I haven’t experienced any other papercuts anywhere in the facial region. Although I do have a lot more random and unexpected moments of “how does THAT happen?” which may or may not include face plants, almost accidental theft, and clothing disasters in public.

What is your most random or awkward moment? 


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